Loss in Perspective

If I’m to be totally honest (one of my newfound skills), I have been pretty focused on loss for a big portion of this year.

Don’t get me wrong – this post isn’t a little pity party I’m throwing – just some insight to loss and what it has taught me…

So far this year I have lost

• my sense of home
• my sense of place
• my sense of direction
• my sense of purpose
• my motivation
• my confidence in myself
• my confidence in my voice

These are all things that only a few years previous I had set about on a journey to rediscover – or in some cases discover for what felt like the first time.  At the beginning of this year I felt comfortable – I had direction – I knew where I was going – and I even identified some very clear and practical actions I could take to get me there.

What I didn’t count on was that a few things I was taking for granted – a few things that I was subconsciously pinning my sense of self to – were about to disappear –  leaving me adrift.

I struggled to stay afloat – and then found a life raft – in a little old habit of mine – I just shut down.

For many years as a young adult, I looked for affirmation from others that I was worth it. And the way I went about this – after the chips had been down for a while, was to act the victim.  You know the story – if I can get people to feel sorry for me, then they will show me how much they care and that I am worthy of that care.

I’m guessing I don’t need to tell you that it didn’t end very well – certainly not in the way I had hoped.

During a particular rocky time early in my marriage – I sought out some counselling and had my eyes opened up to this VICTIM mentality and how I was actually pushing people away from me – including my husband.  As I set about righting these wrongs – and changing my mentality, I initially missed an opportunity to love myself the way I was – to still feel and accept that bad things happened sometimes and that it was okay to feel the pain – without playing the victim card.  Somewhere in there, I convinced myself that nobody wanted to hear about my pain – and therefore I just needed to deny it.

So out of the frying pan and into the fire I jumped.

Although I had moved on from Victim Mode, I was now into Nothing Mode.  Unless life was sunshine and roses (which it often was post Victim Mode), I went into Nothing Mode – I simply shut down. No connection with others, no connection with myself – and no connection to the Universe within and around me.

Fast forward to this year – and I have just closed a door on a period of sunshine and roses – so I have spiralled into Nothing Mode – writing very little on this blog and holding back on contributing to conversations with friends and family – after all nobody wants to hear me complain right?

Amongst all of this “same-old, same-old”, the Universe delivered me a little gift.  She gave me one more loss – a big one for me – to put my losses into perspective and to create a much needed shift.

I lost my cat.  My furry companion of 14 years walked away one night – and I felt the loss deeply.

Here was a creature that I could cuddle and love – and be loved right back – she was my constant – she knew just when to jump on my lap and helped warm me inside and out.  And now she was no longer. My pain and grief were undeniable. As I searched fruitlessly for her – and waited patiently at times and not so patiently at others for her – I could not go into Nothing Mode. The pain spilled over – but the pain gave me some insight.  On the third night of her absence, I got to divulge to my husband that I was just hanging in there – mentally – that I had been struggling with so many things this year – so many losses – and that I could see the purpose of those losses (news to me until the words came out of my mouth). I knew that we were sacrificing many things to fulfil a big dream – and I got to admit that I felt the sacrifice the most – and why. I could understand suddenly every loss I had experienced this year and why it had occurred.  I got what felt like a little preview to the Universe’s plan for me – a little insight as to how these losses could make space for bigger better things.  But in comparison, I could not see how losing the cat played any part whatsoever in the whole scheme of things.

The Universe had taken me to breaking point by taking away what felt like my last comfort. And so I went to bed having connected deeply to both myself and my husband for the first in many months.  And in the early hours of the morning, the Universe delivered my little furry companion back to me – unscathed and loving as ever.

And now as I sit down to my computer again to write, with the cat stretched out on my lap – I have been given the space for a new Mode – following a conversation with my fabulous coach Amira Alvarez – she pointed out to me that Nothing Mode had me wishing that there were no waves in the Ocean – and this new Mode is all about learning to Surf those Waves.  So I forge on in Surfing Mode.  I still feel the pain, the joy and the power of those waves – good and bad – and I am learning to Surf.