How do I love thee

Having recently celebrated my birthday I’ve been doing a little reflecting on my journey so far.

I stumbled upon this photo of myself taken not long after my 20th birthday, and although the quality of the image is poor, I could sense that look of resignation in my eyes tinged with sadness – and in that instant my heart broke for this girl. So as a birthday gift to myself, I have written this letter of love to my younger self.

Dear Sweet Girl,



I know you will be shocked by my use of affectionate language.  Saying heartfelt nice things about yourself is certainly not something you are used to or comfortable with.



My kind words may well fall on your closed off ears as you are very focused at the moment on wishing your future into existence. Your focus and determination is something that will both serve you well and at times be your undoing.



I could tell you that what you think you want for yourself – is really not going to serve you, and is a mismatch of goals, qualities and beliefs you have collected and clung to along the way. However, I am aware of your rebellious streak and know that you would probably just end up giving me the “mental middle finger” and head off in that direction out of spite.

Your rebellious muscle has certainly had a workout in the last few years.



You may not give it a second thought, but this little streak of independence will keep the fire burning in your soul well into your future even when you put the dust covers on, close over the windows and board up all the doors. She is one of the keepers of your light – she is to be cherished.



You have other keepers too – your family – your parents and your siblings. Deep down inside you trust their love for you and their belief in you even if you won’t admit it (especially to yourself). It will give you a platform and a base for all those times you need to start again from scratch (and you will). And with a little more life to be lived, you will begin to see how valuable these relationships are and you will cherish them.

I see in your eyes that you have begun to resign yourself to a path of unfulfilled wanting. There are many things you crave deeply with every fibre of your being and you feel powerless to attain those things.  Mostly you want another to love you – in a way that fills any void or sense of emptiness you feel within yourself.  You are seeking meaning and validation – from outside yourself.  Things is the wrong place to look  (but you won’t be told).



You have been dating “the one” for a while now and you know deep down that he is not.  You will give your all to this man and this relationship.  You will perfect a practice of compromise – closing off another part of you – streamlining yourself – smoothing over any edges or differences to make yourself both appealing and unmemorable at the same time. Until you are unrecognisable to yourself at which point you will disintegrate at the final breath of this relationship.  

 And while these habits may not be healthy, at some level they allow you to continue to love – to give love generously and to have hope. And that is your gift.   Over the next 20 years you will love fiercely.  You will grasp that future that you are so focused on – but as are so many things in this life – it is far better than you could have ever imagined and far worse. And it is during those times of worse, that your generosity, love and hope with a touch of that rebellious streak helps you make it through to the other side.

 So as I close off this letter now, as your future self, I don’t wish to leave you with instructions for doing better, or doing differently.  



You do not love yourself at the moment and while you are more than deserving of your own love, to alter your path would alter my present.  



I am grateful for the journey you will take me on, I am grateful for your strength of spirit and your generosity of love for others.



You deny yourself and your soul on many levels for such a long time and yet she is still here today and all that time in isolation has not dulled her.  



If it were not for the journey you have set upon, I would not have gained such a wondrous surprise at letting my soul shine free and feeling for perhaps the first time the true impact of my own magnificence.  I now have the ability to turn that generosity of love inwards.  



For the gift of you I am eternally grateful.